Mother...

When I was little I use to look up to you, despite the fact that looking back you would hit me when I did something wrong... Awesome! Not only do you not care enough to be in our lives but you plan to move out for a year and to be honest, neither of us think that you'll be coming back. I must spend another weekend alone because my want to socialize will never cross your mind. This Christmas, the only decorations we will be having are the ones I kept in my room from last year... Not to mention that you will be working Christmas Eve and day. Which brings me to the subject of work. I know you chose that job deliberately so I couldn't go anywhere on the weekends. Do you WANT me to suffer? Do you ENJOY my pain? The only person that cares, or ever will care, is my little brother! He just came in because he thought I was sad and cheered me up. This is one of the most sensative guys out there filled with so much love but whenever he says "I love you" he never gets a reply. He use to say it every day until finally giving up hope. He use to make every person entering his life happy and that's slowly starting to fade... I know you put me through that but why must you put him through it as well... We both faught you when you called yourself a parent to your friend. NEVER will you earn the right to call yourself such. Never...

duo-blog

Me and my best friend just started our duo-blog! :]
http://clownsandcoloring.blogspot.com/

setback

Gah!!! This freaking bugs me!!! I try so hard to gain weight, to create a healthy number in the scale!! Now I start to become sick and guess what? All those five pounds that I worked for! Strived for! Gone... but in only one day! All I want is to be healthy, not this tiny thing that everyone envies. My weight was created this way through weakness, not luck. It's not healthy, it's not fun, and it's definately not what I want. To all those people out there who want to starve themselves to be this picture perfect image, from someone who got there, it's nothing but pain, agony, and stress. Nothing caused by starcation will ever end well. Now I struggle to gain weight, the thing I had tried to rid for several years. Being a little chubby or normal IS perfection! Not a tiny, little stick figure.

I just keep trying..

That's all I do nowdays is try to make you happy. I do things you tell me to do, go the extra mile to make you happy, and make sure you are always given the time for you to do your stuff without noise or interuptions. I even made you fucking cinimon rolls today!! The only thing you had to say? "You didn't let them rise enough!! I keep telling you too but you never do!" So my reaction, I leave you alone. I go back out later there to maybe see if you could do what you wanted with the hospital application thing but no all you have to say when Will asks why the cinimon rolls weren't flipped over were," Sorry I couldn't hear her say that they needed to be over her making me sound like I'm critisizing her and bickering with me about it." All I have to say is really? Really? It takes two people to argue and you were the one who was yelling!!!! I know you were stessed so I made cinimon rolls and the homemade way takes hours of my time!! But no, nothing I EVER FUCKING DO to make you happy and not yell at me is NEVER apreciated!!!! I try so hard to make this a happy household, give my brother attention and be there for him half the day, try to be talkative when you are, go the extra mile but all I ever do in the end is get bashed because of ONE tiny little thing I did wrong!!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING SICK OF THIS!

This girl

She's there to comfort me every day, give me the best hugs in the universe, and, most importantly, listen to me when I need it. She's had one of the toughest lives I've heard of so far yet she continues to put a smile on her face every day no matter what happens at home. This girl is my inspiration and because of her I will try my hardest not to let this thing get to me and be happy anyways. Listen to a good song, call her to talk for a few minutes, or just go out and do something because if she can do this then so can I.

I just don't know

   I can't deny it, procrastinate, or put aside this feeling of emptyness. I'm wraped around its fingers for now. This feeling depresses me. This feeling eats my insides! But proves itself right, I am alone. All I do is go home, eat, do homework, sleep, and do it all again the next day. There is no excitement, confusion, butterfly feelings, or sometimes pain. Just empty space where my phone use to be and tears from my depression that stream down my face. Nothis to ocupy my time, to keep me focused, or keeping me happy at home. I know it takes time to move on and get over things but just sitting here to dwel on my feelings instead of talking them away is slowly going to kill me. I need to talk it out, have someone to share it all with, a person along the edge to comfort me every other day about it all... I can't put it on my friend at school because her problems are so much more worse... but I need help too... *sigh* another day I guess..

Dreamland

I have the most elaborate and longest dreams out of any person I have ever met. They tell of beauty, challanges to overcome, battles, love, and family I long for. Each and every day I have the most amazing dreams to ever have. Nothing could make me happier than living in these long tales that in fact could never be true. For many hours, I live in these that fofil my brain with nothing but pure contentment. Then I awaken. Once that alarm goes off, I remember that I really live in a world where I don't know where to go at points. A world of pain, loneliness, a start of depression, nobody to be excited to see or talk to at the end of each excrusiating week, but only someone to see daily and get hugs from and a friend to call every few days after Ive already had to set aside my problems for the feelingsto collect until they burst. A life where I come home and my mother stresses me out so much I just try to avoid all contact, but that's impossible seeing as how she just barges right in.. I can not take this stress and empty emotion! So until then, find me in my dreams.