Mother...

When I was little I use to look up to you, despite the fact that looking back you would hit me when I did something wrong... Awesome! Not only do you not care enough to be in our lives but you plan to move out for a year and to be honest, neither of us think that you'll be coming back. I must spend another weekend alone because my want to socialize will never cross your mind. This Christmas, the only decorations we will be having are the ones I kept in my room from last year... Not to mention that you will be working Christmas Eve and day. Which brings me to the subject of work. I know you chose that job deliberately so I couldn't go anywhere on the weekends. Do you WANT me to suffer? Do you ENJOY my pain? The only person that cares, or ever will care, is my little brother! He just came in because he thought I was sad and cheered me up. This is one of the most sensative guys out there filled with so much love but whenever he says "I love you" he never gets a reply. He use to say it every day until finally giving up hope. He use to make every person entering his life happy and that's slowly starting to fade... I know you put me through that but why must you put him through it as well... We both faught you when you called yourself a parent to your friend. NEVER will you earn the right to call yourself such. Never...

duo-blog

Me and my best friend just started our duo-blog! :]
http://clownsandcoloring.blogspot.com/

setback

Gah!!! This freaking bugs me!!! I try so hard to gain weight, to create a healthy number in the scale!! Now I start to become sick and guess what? All those five pounds that I worked for! Strived for! Gone... but in only one day! All I want is to be healthy, not this tiny thing that everyone envies. My weight was created this way through weakness, not luck. It's not healthy, it's not fun, and it's definately not what I want. To all those people out there who want to starve themselves to be this picture perfect image, from someone who got there, it's nothing but pain, agony, and stress. Nothing caused by starcation will ever end well. Now I struggle to gain weight, the thing I had tried to rid for several years. Being a little chubby or normal IS perfection! Not a tiny, little stick figure.

I just keep trying..

That's all I do nowdays is try to make you happy. I do things you tell me to do, go the extra mile to make you happy, and make sure you are always given the time for you to do your stuff without noise or interuptions. I even made you fucking cinimon rolls today!! The only thing you had to say? "You didn't let them rise enough!! I keep telling you too but you never do!" So my reaction, I leave you alone. I go back out later there to maybe see if you could do what you wanted with the hospital application thing but no all you have to say when Will asks why the cinimon rolls weren't flipped over were," Sorry I couldn't hear her say that they needed to be over her making me sound like I'm critisizing her and bickering with me about it." All I have to say is really? Really? It takes two people to argue and you were the one who was yelling!!!! I know you were stessed so I made cinimon rolls and the homemade way takes hours of my time!! But no, nothing I EVER FUCKING DO to make you happy and not yell at me is NEVER apreciated!!!! I try so hard to make this a happy household, give my brother attention and be there for him half the day, try to be talkative when you are, go the extra mile but all I ever do in the end is get bashed because of ONE tiny little thing I did wrong!!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING SICK OF THIS!

This girl

She's there to comfort me every day, give me the best hugs in the universe, and, most importantly, listen to me when I need it. She's had one of the toughest lives I've heard of so far yet she continues to put a smile on her face every day no matter what happens at home. This girl is my inspiration and because of her I will try my hardest not to let this thing get to me and be happy anyways. Listen to a good song, call her to talk for a few minutes, or just go out and do something because if she can do this then so can I.

I just don't know

   I can't deny it, procrastinate, or put aside this feeling of emptyness. I'm wraped around its fingers for now. This feeling depresses me. This feeling eats my insides! But proves itself right, I am alone. All I do is go home, eat, do homework, sleep, and do it all again the next day. There is no excitement, confusion, butterfly feelings, or sometimes pain. Just empty space where my phone use to be and tears from my depression that stream down my face. Nothis to ocupy my time, to keep me focused, or keeping me happy at home. I know it takes time to move on and get over things but just sitting here to dwel on my feelings instead of talking them away is slowly going to kill me. I need to talk it out, have someone to share it all with, a person along the edge to comfort me every other day about it all... I can't put it on my friend at school because her problems are so much more worse... but I need help too... *sigh* another day I guess..

Dreamland

I have the most elaborate and longest dreams out of any person I have ever met. They tell of beauty, challanges to overcome, battles, love, and family I long for. Each and every day I have the most amazing dreams to ever have. Nothing could make me happier than living in these long tales that in fact could never be true. For many hours, I live in these that fofil my brain with nothing but pure contentment. Then I awaken. Once that alarm goes off, I remember that I really live in a world where I don't know where to go at points. A world of pain, loneliness, a start of depression, nobody to be excited to see or talk to at the end of each excrusiating week, but only someone to see daily and get hugs from and a friend to call every few days after Ive already had to set aside my problems for the feelingsto collect until they burst. A life where I come home and my mother stresses me out so much I just try to avoid all contact, but that's impossible seeing as how she just barges right in.. I can not take this stress and empty emotion! So until then, find me in my dreams.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

   I know you loved him, well at least most of the time. It's over now! You're free to roam wherever you please! Why do you still hand on him? Why does he still polute your very thoughts? The pain is gone! or at least it should be.. The damage he brought should be healing, not remaining wounds. Luckily for me this pain does not dwel on a person, but a craving to be loved and comforted...Which I do not have time, the right people, or energy for anymore.. More than a thousand people around me at one point yet I feel like the most lonely person on this planet. But Heart, could you please leave your feelings out of my dreams? Because they make me not want to wake up and live my days anymore..

Scuppernong

this is another word for grape. i felt the need to share this important messege

School Culture

Ah, High School; a time of change, friends, maturity, and hormones. The time in our lives where we finally think we know who we are, what we want to do, and who we want to be with. Everyone thinks they know it all by now when really they don't have the slightest clue. High School is basicaly just a stepping stone to prepare for the real world when in reality they all need a few more years. Do I know it all? No but I at least know enough to realise that I still have much to learn. All those wondering minds think is about finding a momentus love or someone to share compassion with that could possibly last a lifetime when in reality it lasts a few months to a year. An emotional teenage love is something they all strive for but never recieving a lasting one. But do they all think it will? Yeah. Silly nieve children.

Yet again who am I to call then children when I myself am younger than them. Age, to me, matters on the true age of the knowledge that their mind has atained. I guess that would make me old but young depending on the ocasion. Well, have fun you little miscreants in what you may encounter because you sure as hell aren't anywhere near ready now. Goodnight momentus wise thoughts. I shall miss you tomorow morning.

Secrets

I just wish to get all of these off my freaking chest..

1. Every time I see or hear a story about anorexia it makes me want to go back to it for a split second.
2. I've had skitzophrenia my whole life without knowing it, I just never bothered to ask because I thought everyone had something there.
3. I've learned to hate my body by the 2nd grade.
4. I was depressed for years without knowing it, I just covered it all with hyperness.
5. I've always known and could see that my mom hardly cares about us and I have always just kind of wanted her to die so I could live with my brother and sister-in-law because they have real love twards us.
6. My whole life I've worried deeply on the inside how people felt about me, ever since I first had contact with someone.
7. I'm going to try so hard in school from now on because I want to prove to myself that I am worth something.
8. I try to make other people's days because I've always wanted the same things I do for others.
9. I've cried on almost all of my birthdays because the people that come and give me presents I know don't actualy care.
10. I became so weak that it actualy turned into strangth but it's still a weakness on the inside even though it's hidden.
11. I care too much so I end up not caring about anything at moments.
12. I've lied to every person in my life, but I've only admited to when I didn't entirely tell the truth to one person. My best friend in this universe, Purple.
13. I've battled a sleeping disorder since the 5th grade and still am to this day.
14. I don't actualy want things to stay the same, I want constant change.
15. I hold on to some items because they bring me memories.
16. I sometimes wish that my best friend were a guy because I would at least know then that I would live happily forever with someone. But she's not so I only see and feel for her as my best friend.
17. Anorexia is an actual addiction for me, but I'm learning to stray away of it.
18. I still wish to cut myself because I love the feeling of some forms of pain.
19. I wish I could feel just utterly and completely heartbroken over someone, but I can't. I don't care enough to.
20. Sometimes I just want to be a slut and have guys look at me just for my outsides because I know that my insides are flat out ugly.
21. I pretend who I am to everyone but two people. Lately I've been fake to the guy though.
22. I worry that I do things for attention sometimes.. I really don't want to or try to ever!
23. If I'm suffering I'll only give hints to one person and tell Purple that I am.
24. I have everything in my future prepared because I'm afraid of not knowing.
25. I wish my best friend knew how beautiful she is in my eyes.
26. I'm so happy I'm strong because I fear vounerability.
27. I never let people in because all but one has hurt me extreamly badly so I leave them.
28. I want to tell my mom that the jokes she made about my mental illnesses have stayed inside my brain and hurt me still.
29. Not being in control of situations scares me.
30. I love my dad more than my mom. He may have inflicted more physical damage on me but my mom has inflicted more mental damage than anyone realises.
31. I know I'm really pretty but I worry about being too confident about it.
32. I always wonder and think that I'm not good enough for some people to bee in their lives, that upsets me.
33. I want to be worth a lot to people. It makes me feel better.
34. I hate the fact that I was stupid enough to possibly have been raped, I think I was too. Drugged as well or I wouldn't have barfed that day.
35. I wish people could see right through me so they knew how I felt exactly about everything.
36. Even though all the things I went through has made me who I am I wish I had been a normal child because I don't really like who I am most of the time.
37. The only time I care about my kinda ish "love", I guess you would call it, is when I'm talking to him.
38. I like to hurt people so they become stronger.
39. I am dependant on some people no matter how independant people really think I am.
40. I don't actualy see a point in humanity itself.
41. I will never go into drugs or alcohol because I worry about becoming stupid. That and they're just bad.
42. I miss Kindergarden because that was the least stressful, happiest, funnest year of my life. I miss not having a care in the world or actualy knowing what was going on and believing in imaginary things.

well that's all for now

Blind

Put hope into someone and they'll take it for grantite. Put sadness into someone and they'll try their best to make you happy once more. Why the hell can't these ever work togeather!? You talk about others being blind but you don't even realise that you can't see what's happening yourself! Blindness is an illness among us all, it really is. "I still think this will last, even after I turn 18." Open your eyes!!! There's a high possibility that I will be gone! My mom sees it, your mom sees it, I see it! Why can't you? All your mom ever does now is remind you 5-6 times a day that she loves me and wants you to keep me here. She worries, not about the fact that she thinks you'd lose feeling but that I'd get taken away. What will it take for you to realise that? You're so concited that you think this all depends on you, well for once it doesn't. I'm on the verge of leaving and you think I'm still going to be around so you put me off for now to hang out with other people. Day by day I'm losing it all and realising that there's a high chance it won't work out but all you do is sit there thinking that I will be there once you're done with your fun. Well I hate to break it to ya pall but I'm probably not going to be.

"Him"

     Well, I found out yesterday that he came back. His name, unknown. I've always called him "it" my whole life. It is that little voice inside my head that's not of my own. He has been there since I was little and it took me until the 5th grade to decide that it is not of my own. He has always told me and given me advice on what to do, yet again it is also the thing that made me go insaine and almost be convinced to murder another one of my kind. Nonetheless, he was usualy right on how things would happen. Some called it a demon, some a ghost, others a skitzophrenic creature, a nightmare outside of sleep, or they told me that I was just plain crazy. Call him what you will be he's real to me. But like I said at the begining of this paragraph, he came back..

    Twas not only last November that he went away, his coming back unknown. My situation as my so called lover explains it,"Kicking you while on the ground," but I didn't think any of that.. He allways helped yet try to worsen my life so what I should take seriously is undecided for now. As it tells the usual prophecies, he proclaims that in four months things between me and my unsure love will change. His creepy words spoke,"In four months time you and this boy will grow further apart, feelings crumbled to ashes between the two of you until tiny remains are left (but yet again you're almost there), and then a new boy will come leaving your so called love to dwel in his sadness of his own unknown feelings left for you. This new commer will either be one of the many mistakes made in your own wreched life or a wise choice, the decision is yours."

     Later that night as I was talking to my questionable lover, he felt the distressed tone in my voice and asked what was going on. I tried to put it off but all he did was insist I tell him, so I did. Odly enough, he treated me like I was normal even though my psychotic past came back. As questions were asked I said a little bit of the things he has said and told me, and lets not forget the usual threats. Once time started to pass I could feel his secret fear or sadness in his voice that he knew I might be taken away by some highschool boy. And by from what I could tell, he was convinced of this. It was another night where he was being a sweetheart too! Talk about bad timing.. So what will happen to me? Will I meet this guy that is absolutaly perfect for me this year? The next? Should I wait to be with my now love even though possibly when he turns 18 we may have to split until I move out of of fear that my mom will sue for rape or something along those lines? Will I end up happily married for the rest of my life with someone I meet now? All these things will be answered once I enter Highschool but that doesn't start for another week! I wish I was capable of patience. I also hope I don't end up like his mom whom at the same age as us fell in love with a guy but it never worked out over a mom who made them separate and now regrets it for the rest of her life.. And if I end up with another guy I will really miss his family.. They treated and acted as if I were actualy apart of the family!

It's true what they say, these decisions will affect us for the rest of our life...

another school year

Well school starts soon! but first the orientation, whick is a week away! As most people start they think,"Oh, what should I wear," or ,"Who will i sit next to on the bus," or," What kinds of people will I mean?" It's all the same with most people out there. They get all excited for another drama filled year of bull shit but think it'll be different this year somehow. Sure, no year is exactly the same but each year is similar and drama filled weather you like it or not. Nobody knows what kinds of things they will encounter but I at least have an idea. Me and my boyfriend will get back togeather and have our little disagreements about the whole break and then all will be well after a month. I will try to fit in with groups of people and people will talk shit behind my back but I know I can come out of it okay. School will start to stress me by November but I have my tactics I've learned over the past years to help me. I'll end up punching a boy and get in slight trouble but able to get out of it because I'll have reasoning for it. Eventualy I'll become my gogthic-ish self after dressing all normal so people get to know the real me and not my clothes but then a few people won't really talk to me because they're major preps. But through all of the stuff I know I will encounter I'll have the same group of three people to help me in any situation possible so I know I will be fine. Oh wow where have I heard this story before? All this stuff happened to me the past 3 years! *gasp*

Years repeat themselves people, they're all similar in some way or the other. So predict what will happen now and find ways to change it before going into them.

Backstab

You were one of my closest friends and stood up for me to anyone, even your other close friends. We were the two friends in the 8th grade you couldn't separate over anything! I'm your number one best friend and aparently, as you think, will always be. Never tried to harm, backstab, or do something that would majorly upset me and the one time that happened you cried for days until I forgave you. I've been there for you through some of the rughest times with your mom and even helped out both of you! I've helped you find any kind of right guy for you, even sill in search for girls that could be compatable! But now since the break has come for me and my boyfriend you want to go after HIM!?! You make him ask for my freaking permision?!?!?! Why not do it yourself!! You may like him more than any other guy out there but I love him and he loves me! This break I know will be healthy for us, for my reasoning and for his own. We need to be regular, angst filled teenagers for the time being until my mom allows privacy again. But COME ON!! You know he won't put any feeling into it. You know he loves me with everything he has! I was being freakish about things at first, sure, but now I'm okay and over it all! That still doesn't mean you have rights to go after him! But that's not even the worst part. You made him freaking ask for you!! I know that he and I were going to have a meeting with you one day, that enough was hard for me to learn to handle, but this is way too far! You may call yourself a best friend but best friends don't do that! Your old best friend did and you know how much it made you feel betrayed and she didn't even do anything sexual with him but I thought you'd think about that incident before even considering mine... I know you love me more than any person in this life but I hope you realise that this will have to come with tortchery of the mind. Don't think I'd ever let anyone off this easy... You'd better hope you change your mind by this weekend when you call or you're in for a world of pain.

Some friend you turned out to be.

Something all girls should do

My thoughts had just woken me up and I took a shower as usual. Today, I was feeling rather experimental so I had only straightened my hair and threw on a little eye liner and a smudge of eye shadow. The day went by slowly and quickly all at the same time as I waited for my love to call. Time goes by until the phone started to buzz, talked things over until all was well, and he fell asleep snoring a cute little snore as usual. I go to look in the mirror before going to bed to check my flaws but this time something different happened. The mirror stared back at me and for the first time in my life I saw no flaw. "You're beautiful," were my last words of this day. 
I know it took ages for me to even think posotively of myself and if I can so can everyone. All girls are beautiful regardless what people say.

My best friend

Well first off, I don't know if you want me to say your actual name on here but I'm going to give you the nickname purple.

Ah where to even begin. Purple, you have always been there for me through anything. My weakest points, things I'm unproud of, the good times, the life ending ones, and just about everything. You have been my all-time best friend for almost 5 years now and will continue to be until my dying day. Thank you can even begin to describe how I truely feel to have a friend like you. Whenever I was sad or feeling alone I always called you and it cheered me up each and every time. I know that I've probably put you through some pretty emotional stuff from listening to me and I feel horrible if it has affected you in a negative way. I feel like the most fortunate person on the planet to have you, anyone would. Just look at yourself! In my eyes (and you know I'm a hard rater) you are the most beautiful person on this planet, inside and out. Any person would be beyond lucky to have you. I still can't believe you've put up with my shit for this long but I'm beyond gratful for it. These past few days I have reached my overly vounrable moments once more and even though you are going through some seriouse crap you still listen and do all that you can to make me happy. But today I have reached a point where I will no longer allow these low of  points and you my dear friend are my motivation. I hope you know that I will always be here to listen to you when you're sad, happy, feeling mleey, or just flat out pissed. You have done so much for me and I can't even begin to think of how I can ever repay you back. Honestly, I see you as the best person on this planet. Really I do.  You really are the most loving and caring person I've ever met and I love you for that. Purple, you are the absolute meaning of beautiful and perfect and don't let anyone else think otherwise. You are my motivation and I couldn't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. Just remember that I will always be here for you nomatter what and that I will be you shoulder to cry on and your friend to lean on.

I love you Purple. With everything I know. Thank you. :]

wow..

so what? aparently your needs are above my feelings. how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?!?!?! screw that it's going to take more than 6 months for me to regain anything in that kind of area back again. will i be doing that with you as often? fuck no!!! screw you dude.....

Begining

Ah, where to start.

Well I am a recovered depression victim, with an abusive father whom I haven't seen in 9 years. My mother doesn't really care or love any of her kids and puts her ex boyfriend first, I've got the writing to prove it. I'm a recovering anorexic but not doing so well. I have a boyfriend of 9 months, or at least had.. My mom recently asumed that when I snuck out to his and my brother's tent it was for sex which is far from the actual truth. I am not allowed to see him unless she is there and it has to be on HER time, which she has none... So we've decided to take a break and I don't know what kills me more; the fact that I can't see him, or the fact that he needs to take a break in order to keep feeling (which includes sharing him...) until things can go back to normal.. Oh the pro's and con's of having the supposedly hottest guy in my city. I may only be 14, soon to be 15, but my brain feels older. I'm traped inside this body that my mind does not fit. You're making me wear the ring you gave me with pride but how can I when I know that finger you used to wear it might soon be up someone else's vag... How can you expect me to trust you afterwards? How will I feel the same going back into it knowing that you might be sharing the thing that made us closest with other girls because you don't know if you could wait? What am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait while you go off with other chicks? I know you love me and only me but sometimes I just don't know if I can have things go back the same without most feelings or trust being lost... it's one or the other pal. And frankly it's going to take months for either one to come back.. I still have this attachment that I've only gained to one other person and that's my best friend from the 4th grade but I know that if I give up most of the attachment then I won't be hurting day in and day out. What's better? My pain that made you tear up or the feelings that make me yours? Not to mention that I'm now 18 pounds underweight from becoming anorexic again so that it might wear my mom down into letting us see eachother. I'm putting seriouse health risks at hand and all you're doing is calling me or being a man whore. I know you've put all the effort you could and normaly sure as hell wouldn't but you know what? I did the freaking same!! Plus health risks... but I'm still not alowed to complain or I'll lose you to a hard time.. I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!