I just keep trying..

That's all I do nowdays is try to make you happy. I do things you tell me to do, go the extra mile to make you happy, and make sure you are always given the time for you to do your stuff without noise or interuptions. I even made you fucking cinimon rolls today!! The only thing you had to say? "You didn't let them rise enough!! I keep telling you too but you never do!" So my reaction, I leave you alone. I go back out later there to maybe see if you could do what you wanted with the hospital application thing but no all you have to say when Will asks why the cinimon rolls weren't flipped over were," Sorry I couldn't hear her say that they needed to be over her making me sound like I'm critisizing her and bickering with me about it." All I have to say is really? Really? It takes two people to argue and you were the one who was yelling!!!! I know you were stessed so I made cinimon rolls and the homemade way takes hours of my time!! But no, nothing I EVER FUCKING DO to make you happy and not yell at me is NEVER apreciated!!!! I try so hard to make this a happy household, give my brother attention and be there for him half the day, try to be talkative when you are, go the extra mile but all I ever do in the end is get bashed because of ONE tiny little thing I did wrong!!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING SICK OF THIS!

This girl

She's there to comfort me every day, give me the best hugs in the universe, and, most importantly, listen to me when I need it. She's had one of the toughest lives I've heard of so far yet she continues to put a smile on her face every day no matter what happens at home. This girl is my inspiration and because of her I will try my hardest not to let this thing get to me and be happy anyways. Listen to a good song, call her to talk for a few minutes, or just go out and do something because if she can do this then so can I.

I just don't know

   I can't deny it, procrastinate, or put aside this feeling of emptyness. I'm wraped around its fingers for now. This feeling depresses me. This feeling eats my insides! But proves itself right, I am alone. All I do is go home, eat, do homework, sleep, and do it all again the next day. There is no excitement, confusion, butterfly feelings, or sometimes pain. Just empty space where my phone use to be and tears from my depression that stream down my face. Nothis to ocupy my time, to keep me focused, or keeping me happy at home. I know it takes time to move on and get over things but just sitting here to dwel on my feelings instead of talking them away is slowly going to kill me. I need to talk it out, have someone to share it all with, a person along the edge to comfort me every other day about it all... I can't put it on my friend at school because her problems are so much more worse... but I need help too... *sigh* another day I guess..

Dreamland

I have the most elaborate and longest dreams out of any person I have ever met. They tell of beauty, challanges to overcome, battles, love, and family I long for. Each and every day I have the most amazing dreams to ever have. Nothing could make me happier than living in these long tales that in fact could never be true. For many hours, I live in these that fofil my brain with nothing but pure contentment. Then I awaken. Once that alarm goes off, I remember that I really live in a world where I don't know where to go at points. A world of pain, loneliness, a start of depression, nobody to be excited to see or talk to at the end of each excrusiating week, but only someone to see daily and get hugs from and a friend to call every few days after Ive already had to set aside my problems for the feelingsto collect until they burst. A life where I come home and my mother stresses me out so much I just try to avoid all contact, but that's impossible seeing as how she just barges right in.. I can not take this stress and empty emotion! So until then, find me in my dreams.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

   I know you loved him, well at least most of the time. It's over now! You're free to roam wherever you please! Why do you still hand on him? Why does he still polute your very thoughts? The pain is gone! or at least it should be.. The damage he brought should be healing, not remaining wounds. Luckily for me this pain does not dwel on a person, but a craving to be loved and comforted...Which I do not have time, the right people, or energy for anymore.. More than a thousand people around me at one point yet I feel like the most lonely person on this planet. But Heart, could you please leave your feelings out of my dreams? Because they make me not want to wake up and live my days anymore..

Scuppernong

this is another word for grape. i felt the need to share this important messege