Secrets

I just wish to get all of these off my freaking chest..

1. Every time I see or hear a story about anorexia it makes me want to go back to it for a split second.
2. I've had skitzophrenia my whole life without knowing it, I just never bothered to ask because I thought everyone had something there.
3. I've learned to hate my body by the 2nd grade.
4. I was depressed for years without knowing it, I just covered it all with hyperness.
5. I've always known and could see that my mom hardly cares about us and I have always just kind of wanted her to die so I could live with my brother and sister-in-law because they have real love twards us.
6. My whole life I've worried deeply on the inside how people felt about me, ever since I first had contact with someone.
7. I'm going to try so hard in school from now on because I want to prove to myself that I am worth something.
8. I try to make other people's days because I've always wanted the same things I do for others.
9. I've cried on almost all of my birthdays because the people that come and give me presents I know don't actualy care.
10. I became so weak that it actualy turned into strangth but it's still a weakness on the inside even though it's hidden.
11. I care too much so I end up not caring about anything at moments.
12. I've lied to every person in my life, but I've only admited to when I didn't entirely tell the truth to one person. My best friend in this universe, Purple.
13. I've battled a sleeping disorder since the 5th grade and still am to this day.
14. I don't actualy want things to stay the same, I want constant change.
15. I hold on to some items because they bring me memories.
16. I sometimes wish that my best friend were a guy because I would at least know then that I would live happily forever with someone. But she's not so I only see and feel for her as my best friend.
17. Anorexia is an actual addiction for me, but I'm learning to stray away of it.
18. I still wish to cut myself because I love the feeling of some forms of pain.
19. I wish I could feel just utterly and completely heartbroken over someone, but I can't. I don't care enough to.
20. Sometimes I just want to be a slut and have guys look at me just for my outsides because I know that my insides are flat out ugly.
21. I pretend who I am to everyone but two people. Lately I've been fake to the guy though.
22. I worry that I do things for attention sometimes.. I really don't want to or try to ever!
23. If I'm suffering I'll only give hints to one person and tell Purple that I am.
24. I have everything in my future prepared because I'm afraid of not knowing.
25. I wish my best friend knew how beautiful she is in my eyes.
26. I'm so happy I'm strong because I fear vounerability.
27. I never let people in because all but one has hurt me extreamly badly so I leave them.
28. I want to tell my mom that the jokes she made about my mental illnesses have stayed inside my brain and hurt me still.
29. Not being in control of situations scares me.
30. I love my dad more than my mom. He may have inflicted more physical damage on me but my mom has inflicted more mental damage than anyone realises.
31. I know I'm really pretty but I worry about being too confident about it.
32. I always wonder and think that I'm not good enough for some people to bee in their lives, that upsets me.
33. I want to be worth a lot to people. It makes me feel better.
34. I hate the fact that I was stupid enough to possibly have been raped, I think I was too. Drugged as well or I wouldn't have barfed that day.
35. I wish people could see right through me so they knew how I felt exactly about everything.
36. Even though all the things I went through has made me who I am I wish I had been a normal child because I don't really like who I am most of the time.
37. The only time I care about my kinda ish "love", I guess you would call it, is when I'm talking to him.
38. I like to hurt people so they become stronger.
39. I am dependant on some people no matter how independant people really think I am.
40. I don't actualy see a point in humanity itself.
41. I will never go into drugs or alcohol because I worry about becoming stupid. That and they're just bad.
42. I miss Kindergarden because that was the least stressful, happiest, funnest year of my life. I miss not having a care in the world or actualy knowing what was going on and believing in imaginary things.

well that's all for now