Blind

Put hope into someone and they'll take it for grantite. Put sadness into someone and they'll try their best to make you happy once more. Why the hell can't these ever work togeather!? You talk about others being blind but you don't even realise that you can't see what's happening yourself! Blindness is an illness among us all, it really is. "I still think this will last, even after I turn 18." Open your eyes!!! There's a high possibility that I will be gone! My mom sees it, your mom sees it, I see it! Why can't you? All your mom ever does now is remind you 5-6 times a day that she loves me and wants you to keep me here. She worries, not about the fact that she thinks you'd lose feeling but that I'd get taken away. What will it take for you to realise that? You're so concited that you think this all depends on you, well for once it doesn't. I'm on the verge of leaving and you think I'm still going to be around so you put me off for now to hang out with other people. Day by day I'm losing it all and realising that there's a high chance it won't work out but all you do is sit there thinking that I will be there once you're done with your fun. Well I hate to break it to ya pall but I'm probably not going to be.

"Him"

     Well, I found out yesterday that he came back. His name, unknown. I've always called him "it" my whole life. It is that little voice inside my head that's not of my own. He has been there since I was little and it took me until the 5th grade to decide that it is not of my own. He has always told me and given me advice on what to do, yet again it is also the thing that made me go insaine and almost be convinced to murder another one of my kind. Nonetheless, he was usualy right on how things would happen. Some called it a demon, some a ghost, others a skitzophrenic creature, a nightmare outside of sleep, or they told me that I was just plain crazy. Call him what you will be he's real to me. But like I said at the begining of this paragraph, he came back..

    Twas not only last November that he went away, his coming back unknown. My situation as my so called lover explains it,"Kicking you while on the ground," but I didn't think any of that.. He allways helped yet try to worsen my life so what I should take seriously is undecided for now. As it tells the usual prophecies, he proclaims that in four months things between me and my unsure love will change. His creepy words spoke,"In four months time you and this boy will grow further apart, feelings crumbled to ashes between the two of you until tiny remains are left (but yet again you're almost there), and then a new boy will come leaving your so called love to dwel in his sadness of his own unknown feelings left for you. This new commer will either be one of the many mistakes made in your own wreched life or a wise choice, the decision is yours."

     Later that night as I was talking to my questionable lover, he felt the distressed tone in my voice and asked what was going on. I tried to put it off but all he did was insist I tell him, so I did. Odly enough, he treated me like I was normal even though my psychotic past came back. As questions were asked I said a little bit of the things he has said and told me, and lets not forget the usual threats. Once time started to pass I could feel his secret fear or sadness in his voice that he knew I might be taken away by some highschool boy. And by from what I could tell, he was convinced of this. It was another night where he was being a sweetheart too! Talk about bad timing.. So what will happen to me? Will I meet this guy that is absolutaly perfect for me this year? The next? Should I wait to be with my now love even though possibly when he turns 18 we may have to split until I move out of of fear that my mom will sue for rape or something along those lines? Will I end up happily married for the rest of my life with someone I meet now? All these things will be answered once I enter Highschool but that doesn't start for another week! I wish I was capable of patience. I also hope I don't end up like his mom whom at the same age as us fell in love with a guy but it never worked out over a mom who made them separate and now regrets it for the rest of her life.. And if I end up with another guy I will really miss his family.. They treated and acted as if I were actualy apart of the family!

It's true what they say, these decisions will affect us for the rest of our life...

another school year

Well school starts soon! but first the orientation, whick is a week away! As most people start they think,"Oh, what should I wear," or ,"Who will i sit next to on the bus," or," What kinds of people will I mean?" It's all the same with most people out there. They get all excited for another drama filled year of bull shit but think it'll be different this year somehow. Sure, no year is exactly the same but each year is similar and drama filled weather you like it or not. Nobody knows what kinds of things they will encounter but I at least have an idea. Me and my boyfriend will get back togeather and have our little disagreements about the whole break and then all will be well after a month. I will try to fit in with groups of people and people will talk shit behind my back but I know I can come out of it okay. School will start to stress me by November but I have my tactics I've learned over the past years to help me. I'll end up punching a boy and get in slight trouble but able to get out of it because I'll have reasoning for it. Eventualy I'll become my gogthic-ish self after dressing all normal so people get to know the real me and not my clothes but then a few people won't really talk to me because they're major preps. But through all of the stuff I know I will encounter I'll have the same group of three people to help me in any situation possible so I know I will be fine. Oh wow where have I heard this story before? All this stuff happened to me the past 3 years! *gasp*

Years repeat themselves people, they're all similar in some way or the other. So predict what will happen now and find ways to change it before going into them.

Backstab

You were one of my closest friends and stood up for me to anyone, even your other close friends. We were the two friends in the 8th grade you couldn't separate over anything! I'm your number one best friend and aparently, as you think, will always be. Never tried to harm, backstab, or do something that would majorly upset me and the one time that happened you cried for days until I forgave you. I've been there for you through some of the rughest times with your mom and even helped out both of you! I've helped you find any kind of right guy for you, even sill in search for girls that could be compatable! But now since the break has come for me and my boyfriend you want to go after HIM!?! You make him ask for my freaking permision?!?!?! Why not do it yourself!! You may like him more than any other guy out there but I love him and he loves me! This break I know will be healthy for us, for my reasoning and for his own. We need to be regular, angst filled teenagers for the time being until my mom allows privacy again. But COME ON!! You know he won't put any feeling into it. You know he loves me with everything he has! I was being freakish about things at first, sure, but now I'm okay and over it all! That still doesn't mean you have rights to go after him! But that's not even the worst part. You made him freaking ask for you!! I know that he and I were going to have a meeting with you one day, that enough was hard for me to learn to handle, but this is way too far! You may call yourself a best friend but best friends don't do that! Your old best friend did and you know how much it made you feel betrayed and she didn't even do anything sexual with him but I thought you'd think about that incident before even considering mine... I know you love me more than any person in this life but I hope you realise that this will have to come with tortchery of the mind. Don't think I'd ever let anyone off this easy... You'd better hope you change your mind by this weekend when you call or you're in for a world of pain.

Some friend you turned out to be.

Something all girls should do

My thoughts had just woken me up and I took a shower as usual. Today, I was feeling rather experimental so I had only straightened my hair and threw on a little eye liner and a smudge of eye shadow. The day went by slowly and quickly all at the same time as I waited for my love to call. Time goes by until the phone started to buzz, talked things over until all was well, and he fell asleep snoring a cute little snore as usual. I go to look in the mirror before going to bed to check my flaws but this time something different happened. The mirror stared back at me and for the first time in my life I saw no flaw. "You're beautiful," were my last words of this day. 
I know it took ages for me to even think posotively of myself and if I can so can everyone. All girls are beautiful regardless what people say.

My best friend

Well first off, I don't know if you want me to say your actual name on here but I'm going to give you the nickname purple.

Ah where to even begin. Purple, you have always been there for me through anything. My weakest points, things I'm unproud of, the good times, the life ending ones, and just about everything. You have been my all-time best friend for almost 5 years now and will continue to be until my dying day. Thank you can even begin to describe how I truely feel to have a friend like you. Whenever I was sad or feeling alone I always called you and it cheered me up each and every time. I know that I've probably put you through some pretty emotional stuff from listening to me and I feel horrible if it has affected you in a negative way. I feel like the most fortunate person on the planet to have you, anyone would. Just look at yourself! In my eyes (and you know I'm a hard rater) you are the most beautiful person on this planet, inside and out. Any person would be beyond lucky to have you. I still can't believe you've put up with my shit for this long but I'm beyond gratful for it. These past few days I have reached my overly vounrable moments once more and even though you are going through some seriouse crap you still listen and do all that you can to make me happy. But today I have reached a point where I will no longer allow these low of  points and you my dear friend are my motivation. I hope you know that I will always be here to listen to you when you're sad, happy, feeling mleey, or just flat out pissed. You have done so much for me and I can't even begin to think of how I can ever repay you back. Honestly, I see you as the best person on this planet. Really I do.  You really are the most loving and caring person I've ever met and I love you for that. Purple, you are the absolute meaning of beautiful and perfect and don't let anyone else think otherwise. You are my motivation and I couldn't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. Just remember that I will always be here for you nomatter what and that I will be you shoulder to cry on and your friend to lean on.

I love you Purple. With everything I know. Thank you. :]

wow..

so what? aparently your needs are above my feelings. how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?!?!?! screw that it's going to take more than 6 months for me to regain anything in that kind of area back again. will i be doing that with you as often? fuck no!!! screw you dude.....

Begining

Ah, where to start.

Well I am a recovered depression victim, with an abusive father whom I haven't seen in 9 years. My mother doesn't really care or love any of her kids and puts her ex boyfriend first, I've got the writing to prove it. I'm a recovering anorexic but not doing so well. I have a boyfriend of 9 months, or at least had.. My mom recently asumed that when I snuck out to his and my brother's tent it was for sex which is far from the actual truth. I am not allowed to see him unless she is there and it has to be on HER time, which she has none... So we've decided to take a break and I don't know what kills me more; the fact that I can't see him, or the fact that he needs to take a break in order to keep feeling (which includes sharing him...) until things can go back to normal.. Oh the pro's and con's of having the supposedly hottest guy in my city. I may only be 14, soon to be 15, but my brain feels older. I'm traped inside this body that my mind does not fit. You're making me wear the ring you gave me with pride but how can I when I know that finger you used to wear it might soon be up someone else's vag... How can you expect me to trust you afterwards? How will I feel the same going back into it knowing that you might be sharing the thing that made us closest with other girls because you don't know if you could wait? What am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait while you go off with other chicks? I know you love me and only me but sometimes I just don't know if I can have things go back the same without most feelings or trust being lost... it's one or the other pal. And frankly it's going to take months for either one to come back.. I still have this attachment that I've only gained to one other person and that's my best friend from the 4th grade but I know that if I give up most of the attachment then I won't be hurting day in and day out. What's better? My pain that made you tear up or the feelings that make me yours? Not to mention that I'm now 18 pounds underweight from becoming anorexic again so that it might wear my mom down into letting us see eachother. I'm putting seriouse health risks at hand and all you're doing is calling me or being a man whore. I know you've put all the effort you could and normaly sure as hell wouldn't but you know what? I did the freaking same!! Plus health risks... but I'm still not alowed to complain or I'll lose you to a hard time.. I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!