Begining

Ah, where to start.

Well I am a recovered depression victim, with an abusive father whom I haven't seen in 9 years. My mother doesn't really care or love any of her kids and puts her ex boyfriend first, I've got the writing to prove it. I'm a recovering anorexic but not doing so well. I have a boyfriend of 9 months, or at least had.. My mom recently asumed that when I snuck out to his and my brother's tent it was for sex which is far from the actual truth. I am not allowed to see him unless she is there and it has to be on HER time, which she has none... So we've decided to take a break and I don't know what kills me more; the fact that I can't see him, or the fact that he needs to take a break in order to keep feeling (which includes sharing him...) until things can go back to normal.. Oh the pro's and con's of having the supposedly hottest guy in my city. I may only be 14, soon to be 15, but my brain feels older. I'm traped inside this body that my mind does not fit. You're making me wear the ring you gave me with pride but how can I when I know that finger you used to wear it might soon be up someone else's vag... How can you expect me to trust you afterwards? How will I feel the same going back into it knowing that you might be sharing the thing that made us closest with other girls because you don't know if you could wait? What am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait while you go off with other chicks? I know you love me and only me but sometimes I just don't know if I can have things go back the same without most feelings or trust being lost... it's one or the other pal. And frankly it's going to take months for either one to come back.. I still have this attachment that I've only gained to one other person and that's my best friend from the 4th grade but I know that if I give up most of the attachment then I won't be hurting day in and day out. What's better? My pain that made you tear up or the feelings that make me yours? Not to mention that I'm now 18 pounds underweight from becoming anorexic again so that it might wear my mom down into letting us see eachother. I'm putting seriouse health risks at hand and all you're doing is calling me or being a man whore. I know you've put all the effort you could and normaly sure as hell wouldn't but you know what? I did the freaking same!! Plus health risks... but I'm still not alowed to complain or I'll lose you to a hard time.. I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!